It's All About Forgiveness

So I guess if you’re going to read my blog and know about me, you may want to understand me. Now, to understand me you would probably want to know why I think the way I think and how I got to this point. The reasons as to why I think this way or why I always speak out and try my best to see the good in people and help people. I believe that as human beings we're all capable of love and we should express it, so I'm here to show you my love. I never really felt that love until recently in my life, given I haven't been around for long (even though it seems like it), so here I am:

I WAS a sexual assault victim.

I was six when I lost my virginity.

I’ve never healed from what I’ve been through; but I’m trying with each day. I can’t tell you about how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep or the nightmares I’ve had or how much the abuse altered and distorted my life in such a negative way. In a sense, I forgot a lot that happened to me. I only started remembering what happened when I was in middle school.

I had everyone fooled to my happiness; I said I broke my hymen in gymnastics (that was a complete lie; I only did gymnastics for two years). I said I didn’t trust guys because my parents told me not to. I HATED a guy just because he had the same name as HIM.

In all honesty, it wasn’t until I was 17 I LITERALLY remembered everything. From his touches to his thrusts. I remembered the pain and the words he said. I heard his voice. I knew what happened to me. As I recall, I only had to relive the same motions with HIM, twice; I guess it’s not so bad as to what other girls have been through. I tried for years to suppress what happened to me. I did so many things to block what happened and tried my best to distract myself from bad dreams and bad thoughts. But they all caught up to me. It was just one night when it got really bad. That’s when I realized I’m just a broken girl.

I realized that I wasn’t over it, even though I said and thought I was. I came out for the first time being honest about what I went through, back in high school. I wrote an article about it. I thought that would be my ultimate catharsis; but it proved to be no help to me.

But in a sense, it [the abuse] helped me. Sure, what I’ve been through has screwed me over a lot over the years; but it also has given me a perspective on life. I give a voice to those that have been hurt. Not many people are open to what they’ve been through or don’t know how to cope with it. I’m not just saying rape victims, I’m saying anyone that has ever been hurt. I know when I see someone hurt, because I’ve been through the same thing.

Even when I have my bad days, I always try to pull through because I will NEVER let someone get in the way of my happiness.

This one night I felt so alone and hurt. I couldn’t take it any more. I’m not the type to cry for myself. I’m the baby who cries for everything and everyone else; but never me.

It was 3AM. I just needed someone to talk to. The first person I called was my best friend, Evelyne. Some of you may be familiar with her. She’s the oldest friend I’ve had. I can’t believe she actually picked up because she loves her sleep. I’ll never forget the conversation and what she said to me. Whenever I go through a bad day, her words echo in my head.

“How can I forget what happened to me? I—I what the fuck am I doing? How does someone be happy when they’ve just been through so much shit. It’s impossible,” I was sobbing over the phone. I was talking for about ten minutes already. Well more crying and sobbing and gurgled words; but I know Evelyne understood the phone call. I think we’ve been through it before.

“Oh Audrey…Oh Audrey.”

“Evelyne, I just don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do.”

“You’ve got to forgive him.”

“How can I? I FUCKING HATE HIM! HE’S A FUCKING BASTARD! IT’S BECAUSE OF HIM I’M THIS WAY. IT’S BECAUSE OF HIM I CAN’T GO ON. IT’S BECAUSE OF HIM I CAN’T BE HAPPY OR MOVE ON IN MY LIFE. I just keep seeing his face and hearing him talk and just feeling him…” And at the moment I literally was. I just remember myself cringing as the night sky was disappearing.

“You have to try. That’s the only way you can move on. What he did was wrong; but you can’t think about just him anymore. You have to think about you,” she breathed. There was no yawn or tear. She remained strong.

For me. I imagined her sitting upright. She was closing her eyes and tried to smile at me. I imagined her next to me; she was holding my hand.
“I don’t know if I can.” I’m not even sure if I said that.

Everything was so quiet.

“You have to try. If you keep thinking about the past you’ll never go on.”

She stayed on the phone with me that extremely early morning. She listened to me breath and calm down. She made sure I was okay and that I told her I will forgive him.

Since then, we haven’t talked about that night. I think we have this mutual understanding that what happened is between us and is in the past. And now it’s time for me to move forward.

And I’m glad to say, I’ve slowly forgiven him. Sure, my sentiments towards him haven’t changed much; but it’s a slow process. I’ve recently fully accepted what happened to me and have learned to not let what happened to me in the past affect me in the future. I’ve been trying to forgive him by understanding what he did does not make him purely evil; perhaps he changed in his last days (I don’t know what came of him because he committed suicide in recent years) or maybe over the years he’s tried to reach out to me to apologize but I just haven’t allowed him to or maybe just maybe he’s realized that what he did tore up a little girl and destroyed a girl’s happiness. Maybe.

A lot of people have tried to help me. I’ve had therapy, church people and teachers try to reach out and help. But it just wouldn’t work. I even started crying one day after school when a teacher and I were having a real personal talk and he pointed out that he could tell there was something wrong with me… But that was back when I was 16.

But I’ve learned to forgive myself. I think that’s what’s important here. I’ve learned to forgive myself for torturing myself for years of feigned happiness. I’ve forgiven myself for pushing people away and not letting people get to know ME. I forgive the hurt me for continuing to be hurt and hurting people around me by acting negatively against men and not letting people in.

Because today, I am me. I am the girl that WAS victim but now a hero for myself. I am the little girl who WAS hurt but now has clung on to a new hope that I can give to others. I’ve gained such a big heart and soul that now, no one can stop me from being happy. Because, I am happy.

I regret to say that I have thought of taking away my life and just giving up on everything. Who knows where I would be were it not for my friends.

Forgiveness can go a long way—to happiness.

Forever yours,

Drey