Broken Minds

I was writing a blog on friends with benefits, but, I find this way more important. Earlier tonight my best friend invited me to go to a lecture on the Narrative, Memory and Ruins by Jaime Ginzburg from the University of Sao Paulo. Needless to say, I found this lecture fascinating and important. It has such an impact on me, I almost cried.

The lecture brought up how we have fragmented memories especially when pain and suffering is involved. And for some reason, I knew the lecturer was going to bring up rape, and ta da! Ginzburg brought it up and I almost wanted to cry. I had to distract myself somehow and look at my phone. The talk became so personal in literally ten minutes. And for some reason I felt like I was the only one in the room. It also did not help that Ginzburg would ever so often look in our (Evelyne and my self’s) direction. This also may be because Evelyne now has purple hair and I was that dumb girl wearing a showy outfit with red tipped hair.

Ginzburg brought up several points. He talked of how we keep our memory out of common sense-- through convenience and what is meaningful to us. This means we are trying to repress anything that makes us uncomfortable. We create our own memory, we have this self- protectionism and self knowledge. It's funny how true that is. I only tried to remember the good parts of my childhood. I remembered the beauty of Cayman, gymnastics and my friends, but I barely remembered my father's best friend or the days he hurt me.

But the problem with this protection of self is that these bad memories appear unpredictably and can cause a collapse. We construct our own memory and our past as best as we can, but at the end of the day events happened and we cannot change that. Trauma certainly has a profound effect on people in every way through nightmares and so on. 

Trauma effects the person in every way. You may notice that people that have gone through certain traumas have a different perception of time and their language is different. Then there is this problem of the narrative of how we (traumatized people) communicate our stories and whether or not people are prepared to listen. An example being from the Holocaust as many victims do not remember everything fully and cannot thoroughly explain every detail, rather they agree with one another as a collective on what has happened and not speak from the individual point of view.

I could relate to every issue Ginzburg brought up. And I realized after he talked of how society is not ready to handle such harsh and controversial issues, it is us, the hurting, that we must speak out and let society listen to us. To be quite honest, the reason as to why I am so open about my sexual abuse is because it helps me recover and may even help others recover. Also, I just do not want this to happen to any other little girl. People need to realize that rape most often occurs when a victim trusts her offender, as I did.

Just like Ginzburg pointed out, my perception of time is totally flawed and I honestly did not remember all the events until last year. I was that girl that collapsed psychologically and was totally messed up in every sense. I found myself needing to talk about it, but I could not. Ginzburg even pointed out that although people with trauma must speak out, they cannot because society would never understand and empathize. People do not want to hear depressing news or learn of more negative matters, hence why so many watch trash television. We cannot cope with it and we do not know how to because we cannot empathize.

But then there’s me. I find myself attracted to negative and sad news because it helps me. I guess that is sort of why I keep an optimistic view on life and try my best to be the nicest person possible because I really can empathize with people, and I bring it upon myself to try to help people.

Being a rape victim has empowered me in a sense. My senses and mind may be cracked, but the point is, being someone who has been hurt, I can understand and feel what someone else has been through.

Now, I present to everyone on how to deal with bad situations. Approach these negative situations with a clear mind. Stop being frightened! There is no need to not know how to act. It’s perfectly fine to not know what to do. You don't have to do anything but listen and try to understand. Again, I’m going to reference Evelyne. I don’t think she understands how much her friendship means to me. I would probably be drowning myself in self- pity, cigarettes, sex and alcohol if it weren’t for her. She is the one person who could take me in my worst shape and just listen to me. There are so many times when I just needed someone to listen to me rant on my trauma. It’s not that I talk about it often, I honestly, genuinely try not to bring it up at all. I hate talking about it or even writing about it. At the moment I’m trying my best to not cry.

We as people just need to understand that although violence occurs in many areas in the world to different people, it can relate to us. I think we need to find something relatable to one another in order to empathize. For example, I may not know anyone who is directly affected by the Gaza bombings, but I can empathize with victims because then I can imagine and realize what life would be like without a certain person in my life. I think people just need to sit, meditate and think about every situation and how this may relate to them. We are all one in this world. I have a theory that one event may effect another in every way. I believe me typing this can help someone see something or someone in a new light.

I refuse to think of someone in a negative way. I just cannot. I believe there is good in everyone and you just have to find it and allow it to grow. Empathy: it allows everyone to come together because now you can relate to one another.

To that broken person, only you can help yourself to allow others to help you. My love, you have to get up and realize you got to do something to help yourself. You obviously are not alone. Heck, feel free to even contact me! You can see my email on the side if you scroll over to right something should pop out, click my face and my email should show. My email is dreyeu@gmail.com. I promise to email you back.

To deal with your issues is hard. Trust me, it definitely is not easy and it takes a lot of time and effort to overcome your troubles. But trust me, it is worth it in the end. Sometimes, we do not find the need to go through this time and effort because it is painful. And believe me, I know it is painful because I, myself am having trouble right now. I go through a lot of pain sometimes and I still get night mares, but that does not mean I give up. I will not let my pain overcome my life because there is just so much happiness that can be achieved.

I am a firm believer that if we do not communicate the bad, it may just happen again. Ignorance is not bliss.

I’m sorry if this blog has been all over the place. I just didn’t know how to write everything that I felt. All my thoughts and feelings are all over the place, so I’m really sorry if this is disorganized. I really am happy right now, yet I am also sad. That probably does not make sense, but I am just excited to see where all of this goes. I hope you are too.

I love you,

Drey

Cookies and Back Massages

Why should we believe in love? So many people these days do not believe in it.

Of course there’s different kinds of love. But for now, I’m going to talk about romantic love. That love you have for someone that you just can’t live without. It’s like no matter what wrong they do, you still care.

I fell in love with someone. He’s this incredible person. He makes me laugh, cry, smile and just fill me up with joy. He is the only man I can actually see myself with. And honestly, I would not care if we had sex. I know, crazy, right? I mean, you associate romance with sex.

Honestly, there doesn’t have to be sex in the equation. As much as lust, chaos and wine are needed in a relationship. There is also this level of maturity that you obtain when you love someone that, as long as the other is happy and that person is yours—that’s all that matters.

Ever heard of courtly love? It was based off sexual attraction, but it was more platonic and spiritual. Some scholars consider this love, a pure love. However, some disagree. This was back in medieval European times. This would involve a married woman of nobility and a knight. This is probably a bad example, but I believe this is the most intense kind of love out there, as marriage back in the day had no relation to love at all, so this is what lovers had to settle for.

This love is the kind of love that drives you crazy. This could be seen in Casablanca: Rick settles to have this courtly love because he wants his love to be happy as he lets her go. We also see this in Lord of the Rings: Gimli has this courtly love for Lady Galadriel. But this just doesn’t happen in literature and film. This happens in real life.

I’m in love with someone right now, well for a while now. And he's just this incredible person that will always make me happy. He does all these little things that rock my world and even bigger things that make my world. I would never be able to consummate this love, nor will I ever. I just want to make him happy. I want to see him smile, his eyes sparkle and his heart quicken. I want to make him see the world in such a beautiful way. I want him to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want to hold his hand and tell him it is going to be okay. I want to be able to give him cookies when he needs it and a back massage when he desires. I want to be able to let him live his life and have me as a part of it.

Forget it, it’s not that I want to…I need to. It is because I love him.

I love the way he laughs, even if it is obnoxious. I love the way he cares. I love him, even if he hurts me. Because he will always hurt me. But it’s okay—because I love him. And I will always love him. I will move on and be with other people and love other people. But I will forever love him.

I won’t write his name or disclose what he looks like. This is because…well again, this is my courtly, unrequited love. It’s my secret that I will probably keep forever. This probably is not healthy and I should probably not do this. But, I cannot stop loving him, nor will I.

So this post was probably super cheesy and gross to read, but I was just thinking about him. This is probably really depressing, but I guess I just wanted to express myself. Whew, that was really needed.

I love you guys! Thanks so much for reading. Don’t forget to stop by every once in a while.

Forever,

Drey

It's All About Forgiveness

So I guess if you’re going to read my blog and know about me, you may want to understand me. Now, to understand me you would probably want to know why I think the way I think and how I got to this point. The reasons as to why I think this way or why I always speak out and try my best to see the good in people and help people. I believe that as human beings we're all capable of love and we should express it, so I'm here to show you my love. I never really felt that love until recently in my life, given I haven't been around for long (even though it seems like it), so here I am:

I WAS a sexual assault victim.

I was six when I lost my virginity.

I’ve never healed from what I’ve been through; but I’m trying with each day. I can’t tell you about how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep or the nightmares I’ve had or how much the abuse altered and distorted my life in such a negative way. In a sense, I forgot a lot that happened to me. I only started remembering what happened when I was in middle school.

I had everyone fooled to my happiness; I said I broke my hymen in gymnastics (that was a complete lie; I only did gymnastics for two years). I said I didn’t trust guys because my parents told me not to. I HATED a guy just because he had the same name as HIM.

In all honesty, it wasn’t until I was 17 I LITERALLY remembered everything. From his touches to his thrusts. I remembered the pain and the words he said. I heard his voice. I knew what happened to me. As I recall, I only had to relive the same motions with HIM, twice; I guess it’s not so bad as to what other girls have been through. I tried for years to suppress what happened to me. I did so many things to block what happened and tried my best to distract myself from bad dreams and bad thoughts. But they all caught up to me. It was just one night when it got really bad. That’s when I realized I’m just a broken girl.

I realized that I wasn’t over it, even though I said and thought I was. I came out for the first time being honest about what I went through, back in high school. I wrote an article about it. I thought that would be my ultimate catharsis; but it proved to be no help to me.

But in a sense, it [the abuse] helped me. Sure, what I’ve been through has screwed me over a lot over the years; but it also has given me a perspective on life. I give a voice to those that have been hurt. Not many people are open to what they’ve been through or don’t know how to cope with it. I’m not just saying rape victims, I’m saying anyone that has ever been hurt. I know when I see someone hurt, because I’ve been through the same thing.

Even when I have my bad days, I always try to pull through because I will NEVER let someone get in the way of my happiness.

This one night I felt so alone and hurt. I couldn’t take it any more. I’m not the type to cry for myself. I’m the baby who cries for everything and everyone else; but never me.

It was 3AM. I just needed someone to talk to. The first person I called was my best friend, Evelyne. Some of you may be familiar with her. She’s the oldest friend I’ve had. I can’t believe she actually picked up because she loves her sleep. I’ll never forget the conversation and what she said to me. Whenever I go through a bad day, her words echo in my head.

“How can I forget what happened to me? I—I what the fuck am I doing? How does someone be happy when they’ve just been through so much shit. It’s impossible,” I was sobbing over the phone. I was talking for about ten minutes already. Well more crying and sobbing and gurgled words; but I know Evelyne understood the phone call. I think we’ve been through it before.

“Oh Audrey…Oh Audrey.”

“Evelyne, I just don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do.”

“You’ve got to forgive him.”

“How can I? I FUCKING HATE HIM! HE’S A FUCKING BASTARD! IT’S BECAUSE OF HIM I’M THIS WAY. IT’S BECAUSE OF HIM I CAN’T GO ON. IT’S BECAUSE OF HIM I CAN’T BE HAPPY OR MOVE ON IN MY LIFE. I just keep seeing his face and hearing him talk and just feeling him…” And at the moment I literally was. I just remember myself cringing as the night sky was disappearing.

“You have to try. That’s the only way you can move on. What he did was wrong; but you can’t think about just him anymore. You have to think about you,” she breathed. There was no yawn or tear. She remained strong.

For me. I imagined her sitting upright. She was closing her eyes and tried to smile at me. I imagined her next to me; she was holding my hand.
“I don’t know if I can.” I’m not even sure if I said that.

Everything was so quiet.

“You have to try. If you keep thinking about the past you’ll never go on.”

She stayed on the phone with me that extremely early morning. She listened to me breath and calm down. She made sure I was okay and that I told her I will forgive him.

Since then, we haven’t talked about that night. I think we have this mutual understanding that what happened is between us and is in the past. And now it’s time for me to move forward.

And I’m glad to say, I’ve slowly forgiven him. Sure, my sentiments towards him haven’t changed much; but it’s a slow process. I’ve recently fully accepted what happened to me and have learned to not let what happened to me in the past affect me in the future. I’ve been trying to forgive him by understanding what he did does not make him purely evil; perhaps he changed in his last days (I don’t know what came of him because he committed suicide in recent years) or maybe over the years he’s tried to reach out to me to apologize but I just haven’t allowed him to or maybe just maybe he’s realized that what he did tore up a little girl and destroyed a girl’s happiness. Maybe.

A lot of people have tried to help me. I’ve had therapy, church people and teachers try to reach out and help. But it just wouldn’t work. I even started crying one day after school when a teacher and I were having a real personal talk and he pointed out that he could tell there was something wrong with me… But that was back when I was 16.

But I’ve learned to forgive myself. I think that’s what’s important here. I’ve learned to forgive myself for torturing myself for years of feigned happiness. I’ve forgiven myself for pushing people away and not letting people get to know ME. I forgive the hurt me for continuing to be hurt and hurting people around me by acting negatively against men and not letting people in.

Because today, I am me. I am the girl that WAS victim but now a hero for myself. I am the little girl who WAS hurt but now has clung on to a new hope that I can give to others. I’ve gained such a big heart and soul that now, no one can stop me from being happy. Because, I am happy.

I regret to say that I have thought of taking away my life and just giving up on everything. Who knows where I would be were it not for my friends.

Forgiveness can go a long way—to happiness.

Forever yours,

Drey

Why feminists are still struggling...

There are many reasons why feminists are still struggling to be taken seriously.

But the main reason is you and I. Us; women in general do not take ourselves seriously so that men may take us seriously. As we continue to read and write books like Fifty Shades of Grey or laugh and encourage men who say, "make me a sandwich," "women belong in the kitchen," and so forth, we will never be taken seriously. 

Or when women continue to facilitate the stereotypes that women portray: the weak and innocent, the conniving bitch and so on, we will always be known for what we are generalized for. Of course, if that is your belief that women are to be as such, I'm sorry, that's complete bullshit, but you are entitled to believe what you must. 

It is time that we as women step away from the gender roles and stereotypes and prove to everyone, especially ourselves that we are not simply just that woman. We are WOMEN that can ROAR, that can THINK, that can LOVE and that can do ANYTHING she wants. Take this for example, each time you complain that a man won't take you seriously, look in the mirror: would you take yourself seriously? Build some confidence and believe in everything that you do. We all believe we have something to offer than what society may think. 

No, we do not belong in the kitchen; we belong everywhere. No, we do not belong in a separate room when you pray because we may tempt you, you tempt yourselves at looking at us, we belong in the same room because, and together we can fight our temptations. No, we do not belong only in a dress and skirt and heels because we can wear whatever we want. No, we do not belong to only our husbands on our wedding night, because we are our own to have and can do whatever we want with ourselves. No, we do not belong mother- like occupations because we probably could do better in paternalistic occupations.

Yes, we do belong wherever our hearts tell us to be. Yes, we do belong to whatever our hearts tells us. Yes, we do belong in space ships, political seats, planes, CEO seats and so on, because we belong here. Yes to that little girl that wants to be a princess that speaks her mind. Yes to that teenage girl with angst that wants to become a singer. Yes to that woman who wants to go back to that school to become a scientist. Yes to that single mom who wants the best for her child. Yes to that breast cancer survivor that inspires every woman. Yes to all. Yes to her who wants to be a boy. Yes to her who wants be the strongest woman. Yes to her! All that is her. You are her. May you have the word “yes” implanted in your brain because you can do anything and everything you want because you are you.

We are part of this world just as the animals, flowers and oceans are. WE WILL NOT BE IGNORED. WE WILL NOT BE SUBJECTED. WE WILL NOT BE WHAT YOU EXPECT US TO BE. WE WILL BE SO MUCH MORE.

Now, all I simply must say is this: stop being a bitch and become a woman.

Love,

Drey